September 30, 2002

Test fever

I am obsessed with taking pregnancy tests. I take them at work. I take them at home. In the past few days, I've been through a whole box of them. I have them lined up on my dresser at home, and obsessively compare the relative darkness of the second line, hoping (projecting?) that the second line is darker each day, indicating that my HcG levels are doubling as they ought to be and this baby is going to stay with us.

I have what is probably an irrational fear of miscarriage, due to the fact that I have known since I was a little girl that even though I am the oldest, I was my mother's fifth try at having a precious little baby. And the fact that my best friend had a miscarriage in February. And the fact that another friend who has been on fertility treatments has had two positives turn to negatives in the past few months. The way I feel right now -- when everything is just fine -- I just cannot imagine the anguish and heartache that surrounds multiple miscarriages, or any miscarriage, when a baby is soooo wanted. I don't want to worry too much, because that can't be good for this little bean inside me, but I am having trouble helping it.

We are scheduled to go to New Mexico next weekend, and we've made an emergency appointment with the doctor first, just to check in and make sure we are OK to travel. I've been looking forward to this trip for ages, but I don't want to do anything stupid and mess this up for us. It is probably OK to travel, but I'll feel better hearing that from a doctor than just reading it on the Internet.

Posted by Dineen at September 30, 2002 12:32 PM
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